


sonder // dan howell (danisnotonfire)

by chuckledaniel



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Happy Sex, London, Phil Needs a Hug, Protective Dan, Romantic Fluff, Sad and Happy, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Shy Dan, Verbal Abuse, YouTube, eventual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-15 11:38:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9233504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuckledaniel/pseuds/chuckledaniel
Summary: [You'll be warned if something that's a sensitive topic arises within the chapter.]Have you ever passed by someone, and caught the glint in their eyes, or the slight grin on their face? And you begin to wonder what caused them such joy, the complications within their lives, or the memories they've embraced, and the realization that every single passerby has a life just as vivid and complex as yours?McKayla Norman was always the shy, little girl who was picked on for her sense of style, or the classes she got in or the grades she received. It wasn't like they knew what went on at home and behind closed doors, did they?





	1. A Snap

I didn't expect anyone to understand why I was leaving. Of course, they understood the college part of the situation - but college in London? Why?

"London is overseas, isn't it?" Kade asked, his eyes briefly glancing up from his video game controller at me, who was leaning against the doorway. He seemed to notice the way that I was so casually handling such a serious conversation. I had been telling everyone in my household that I had gotten accepted into the college of my choice - the University of London. But I was making sure to tell everyone individually so they could take time to cope just in case they didn't handle the news so well. I decided to break the news to Kade last, being the youngest and most sensitive within our family.

Kade flicked his thumb up to press a button that paused the game he was playing, meanwhile keeping intense eye contact with me. I could sense the slightly angry tone in his voice, but she kept a smile on nevertheless.

"Yeah, it is buddy," I replied hesitantly, knowing that my little brother handled certain situations like he was an adult. He grew up much too quickly, surrounded by constant arguments and not-so-pretty altercations between our parents that he had to witness as a young boy. Despite being 8, he had a mental capacity of a 17-year-old, so it was hard to determine his reaction. A part of me hoped he would understand, but the other was terrified that he'd be angry at me in the last days before I left. 

I didn't want our relationship to be ruined - not yet.

"Oh," he mumbled. His shoulders slouched and he leaned back against the couch, sighing softly. He fiddled with the triggers on the remote, his teeth nervously biting his lower lip. I uncrossed my arms and stood from my leaning position, making my way to the space next to him. Sitting down, I felt my grin diminish into a small, apologetic smile. Tears stained Kade's eyes, and I felt my heart lurch. Before I knew it, my arm was wrapped around his shoulders and I had pulled him into a tight hug, his chin resting on the crook of my neck.

"Do you understand why I’m leaving?" I questioned quietly, rubbing comforting circles into his back. I could feel him nod before a quiet sob escaped his throat, and I shut my eyes tightly, pulling him even closer to me.

"Don't leave me with her," he managed to beg between stifled cries. I bit my lower lip, letting my eyes flutter open for a split second. Images of my furious parents raced through my mind. The names they would call me, the abuse they endorsed, the sharp pains in my abdomen from the time my mom had kicked me in the stomach over and over. Everything had calmed a bit ever since our parents had gotten a divorce after 23 years, but that doesn't mean they both weren't individually harmful; to both the mind and body. 

I could feel every single ounce of fear I had come rushing back to her, and my pulse began to race. Forcing myself to stay calm, I began my deep breathing and refrained from letting the thoughts get to me. I can’t let them get to me now, not now. 

"I'm not leaving you. I will be with you every second of the day, Kade."

"Where?"

"In your memories. In your dreams. In your jokes, because I know you've stolen some of mine in the past." this earned a soft chuckle from Kade, who wanted to protest that he had never stolen my jokes but seemingly didn't have the energy to.

"But what if mom-" Kade seemed to cut himself short, burying his face into my shoulder again. I knew what he was thinking about, but it was too sensitive of a memory to bring back up again and talk about. Kade seemed to avoid every negative topic involving mom, because if you said one wrong thing, then snap. He was gone - racing down the hall towards his bedroom. He’s become so emotional at times that he’s locked himself in his room for hours. It was depressing seeing the overall effect she had on him.

"What, relapses?” I whispered quietly, my hair tangling his hair. “She won't, Kade. She promised she wouldn't. If she does, or if you even see her pick up a beer, you call me and I'll fly over here immediately to be here for everyone - including you. And I'll make sure to knock some sense into her."

This seemed to make Kade a little less fearful, and so I smiled at my small success in making him a little more content. 

"I'll miss talking to you every day," he admitted, pulling away from the embrace and wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt. I just laughed softly at his red, tearing eyes.

"Hey, c'mon. I'm not gone yet, am I? We still have-" I glanced down at my phone, seeing that the date was the 20th of June, "4 days! And we can spend them doing whatever you want." 

"Seriously?" he jumped at the thought - and I instantly felt horrible for my wallet that was already damn near empty. Instead of backtracking, I nodded and put a grin on my face. I saw my reflection in his bright blue eyes, but behind my reflection was the mind of a boy who just so desperately wanted his innocence back. 

I felt my heart lurch a little bit more.

"Seriously," I replied, chuckling. "Now what do you say we do first?"

[three days later]

The last few days were filled with last-minute flight changes, tear-jerking conversations, and late nights playing video games with my brothers. Aiden, 16, was an expert at Battlefield, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never beat him. He would laugh as I screamed profanities every time I was killed, and, at one point, threw the remote across the room. Matt, 12, preferred Minecraft and would argue back and forth with me about what to build our house out of. I said wood for the aesthetically pleasing side of it, but he said stone for durability. We ended up building separate houses. Then, of course, there's Kade, 8, who liked a simple game of Mario Kart. 

"The only reason you even like this shitty game is because you always win!" I protested, throwing my Wii controller to the side as my littlest brother giggled. Aiden and Matt cracked up and I just shook my head slightly, the most miniature hint of a smile on my face. After a few more seconds of trying to hide my all-to-wide smile, I pulled myself up from my seat on the couch.

"Well, unless the three of you want to do something else, I think I'm heading to bed." I said, yawning on cue. I pulled my arms above my head and bent down, stretching mostly my back lower back.

"What happened to you? It's only 2AM!" Aiden said, teasing. "What happened to my big, older sister who pulled all-nighters all summer?" 

"I have a flight to catch tomorrow, smart-ass."

"Excuses," he claimed, shrugging. "Whatever. Your loss."

I nearly did my famous eye roll, the one where it went into the back of my head. But I knew Aiden was going to miss me as much as I was going to miss him, as much as either of us didn't want to admit it. So, instead of walking down the hallway and crashing, I shrugged, figuring I could sleep on the flight. It was 10 hours, anyway.

"Oh, my loss?" I laughed warmly, feeling my clear, brown eyes crinkling in the corners. "I bet you couldn't even stay up as long as I have in the past!"

"Want to bet?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, mocking her with his star. I quirked my own eyebrow at him in return, knowing damn well that he had to crash eventually. Rummaging through my pockets, I managed to pull out two $50 bills and slammed it on the coffee table. He did the same.

"You're on."

We had picked a movie that we could all enjoy, and, as expected, Aiden was out in less than two hours. I took a picture of him as proof before stuffing the money in my back pocket. Once all of my brothers had crashed, I gently got up, shut off the TV, and made my way to my room. Bright, red letters blinked the time of 5:43AM, and the last thing I remembered is glancing at the suitcase that sat in the corner of the room and smiling.

It was only four hours later when I woke up to the sound of the fire alarm loudly beeping, mocking me, who was clearly trying to sleep on the bed. I yanked the covers over my head and groaned, irritated in the slightest way. The alarm kept on for a few more seconds before it shut off, and the fresh smell of breakfast engulfed me in a tight blanket. After smelling that, I quickly took a shower and got ready, not taking more than 15 minutes to race out to the table for the food I could smell wafting around the home.

I had been half-expecting to see my mother setting the table, and I was just going to grab my plate and run back to my room to avoid her completely. But rather I saw quite the opposite of that. My brothers stood with big, goofy expressions, glowing at the food they set out. There was a plate at the head of the table, arranged with food just like I would always arrange my plate. Next to it sat a cup of coffee, and I could already tell it had been made just the way I preferred - hazelnut coffee w/ a little bit of my favorite creamer and milk. I glanced at the doofuses in front of me and laughed softly, taking my seat. 

They eagerly waited for me to take the first bite before they dug in themselves. They laughed, talked, ate, and you could easily sense that everyone was trying to distract themselves from the fact that I was leaving that day. I wasn’t receiving an uncomfortable vibe, but more of a nervous one.

As the clock struck 12 PM, that's when I turned on my rental car and began my round of goodbyes. One by one, everyone came out of the house to hug me and wish me well. Kade began to cry again, and the sharp pinch in my chest grew to a throbbing that made it hurt to breathe. I hated seeing everyone so desperate for me to stay - all because of their mother who they did not trust to take care of them. I promised to try and FaceTime every day, and waved goodbye as my three brothers filed back inside, Aiden hugging Kade, and Matt completely avoiding his emotions and racing to his room.

Exhaling sharply, trying to ignore the ball in my throat that had slowly been growing within the last 30 minutes, I opened my trunk. The front door opened again as I grabbed my suitcase, and I glanced up, assuming that it was Kade running out one more time. A small smile curled the end of my lips, but I felt a darkness within me expand and spread to my chest as soon as I saw her. The darkness curled around my ribcage and began to suffocate it, tightening and wrapping around it. Taking a deep breath, the smile melted off of my face and my hands started to twitch. Throwing my suitcase into the back, I slammed the trunk before I could speak to the fuming figure who was racing towards me. 

I bit the inside of my cheek, hard, trying to contain the anger within my trembling body. I dug my nails into my palms as I rounded the other side of the car to open the door, the figure right on my heels.

"McKayla Lee-" my mother exclaimed, watching her only daughter, me, angrily walk away from her.

"Don't talk to me." I interrupted, cutting her off immediately. As soon as my fingers brushed against the handle, long, rough fingers grasped my wrist. I felt my eyes ignite with flames I began to feel the rage eat her from inside. It was funny how the simple sight of my own mom could send me into such a flurry.

The fingers clenched and held on tighter, the nails penetrating my skin. I stopped dead in my movements, feeling the burning sensation spread from my wrist and down to my forearm. I slowly turned, and cocked my head, the darkness wrapping around my chest once more at the sight of my mom's hand. I wrenched my hand away and stood, towering over my mother at 5’7, her only at 5’2. Being 18, I finally felt in control - like I could finally defend myself.

"Don't you dare walk away from us." she spat.

"Us?" I questioned, as if curiously, but the words felt vile in my mouth. I could feel everything from over the years unraveling within my mind, and I wanted so badly to do to her what she did to me. "Us? There is no us! I've been taking care of those boys ever since I was 14 and you want to say us like you were always in the picture? You never were! Do not threaten me."

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want!"

"Like hell you will! You touch them and it'll be the end of you and your career." I threatened. Taking a small step forward, leaning in so I was looking directly into her eyes, the tips of our noses nearly touching. Her crystal blue glass orbs were empty, and I couldn't see a woman behind it. She seemed empty, and I felt empathetic for a split-second, even a little bad for her. So much trauma, and all she could do was feel empty.. look empty. I quickly regained my compose and stiffened my posture. Silence ensued, and I was trying my best not to snap - because I can and I will if the opportunity comes. 

"I'm 18, now. You can't stop me. I can go to the police right now and tell them every single goddamn thing about you, and you would be arrested and those boys would be in my custody in a snap." I slowly rose my hand to her eyes and snapped, which made her flinch in the slightest way. I grinned, watching the pulse in her neck begin to speed at the fear from losing everything she’s ever worked hard for. The only thing she didn’t word hard for was her family, she didn’t give a fuck about us. It’s what made me angry the most. "You'll be done for. This is your last chance. Mess it up, and you're fucked."

I saw the muscles in her left hand tighten, and I saw her gaze train not on my eyes, but on my right cheek below them. Before her hand could reach my face, both of my hands automatically grabbed her shoulders and I shoved her back with all my strength. She stumbled to the pavement on the driveway.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I whispered, quietly but loud enough that she could note the threatening tone in my voice. I got into my running car and slammed the door shut, hands still twitching with rage. I gripped the steering wheel, gently leaning forward to calm my pulse that I felt in my fingertips. My body started to quiver, and I shook my head. 

No. Not now. 

I attempted to take deep breaths, but they came out ragged and short. It felt like every flame that burned inside of me had burst, and I was ready to ignite, but I also felt my childhood fear of my mom come running back and I inhaled sharply. I held my breath, and once I tasted the red metallic in my mouth, I knew I had been chewing on my cheek so hard to distract myself that it had started bleeding. My chest pounded, and I couldn’t exhale slowly without inhaling sharply again. It began to hurt. I got lightheaded.

Panic snatched my mind for a split second, and every nerve in my body numbed. My forehead still rested against the wheel.

“Siri,” I gasped, inhaling sharply once again. I tried to swallow, but my throat had completely dried out. The ball in my throat welled and tears stung my eyes, and as much as my body wanted me to panic and hyperventilate, I tried my hardest to take control. I squeezed my eyes, my nails digging into the leather of the wheel. “Call Gabbie.”

“Calling Gabbie,” Siri repeated, and my phone began to ring hers. She picked up within the second ring.

“McKayla!” she said cheerfully. “How’s everything?”

“Gabbie,” I murmured hoarsely, my chest tightening just a little bit more. 

I can’t breathe. 

“Oh, fuck hold on-” there was distant talking in the background and in less than thirty seconds I could clearly hear her voice surrounded by silence. It didn’t take her long to figure out what was happening. “McKayla, I know it’s hard. I know, trust me. But focus on my voice. Only mine.”

My thoughts raced. How is that going to help me? 

I can’t breathe.

“Okay,” I replied, my stomach churning. I tried my best to zone onto her voice, nails digging tighter. 

“You’ll be okay. Regulate your breathing first. Can you do that for me?” 

“I think so.” but it was barely audible. Squeezing my eyes seemed to help. I didn’t have to see my house or my brothers who were probably looking through the windows to watch me go. All I could see was darkness, and I didn’t panic in darkness. I liked the dark. It’s where I could be myself. 

No one judged me besides the depth around me, and nothing negative was whispered behind my back. 

I liked being myself. I like myself. I like myself. I like myself. I don’t care if no else loves me, I love me.

And I could feel one of the wisps of the darkness disintegrate, my chest feeling a little lighter, and the clenches of fear near releasing the sensitive part of my mind.

“When you get the chance, turn the station to 103.9 and listen to it on your way down to LA. It’ll help, I promise.” Gabbie said softly. Knowing that I could breathe a little bit more, I tried to exhale slowly, but it was shaky and I only inhaled sharply again. I reached out subconsciously for the knob to turn the radio on, and only stopped when my favorite band echoed over the station.

“See? Oh Wonder is finally playing on 103.9,” and I could sense the small smile in her voice. I smiled weakly in return, whether or not Gabbie was beside me to see it. I turned it up a little louder, still keeping my eyes closed and my mind focused on the music and her voice.

“Now what?” I questioned, breathing out slower than before, but still too ragged for my comfort.

“Now, you listen to the music, and you think for a few minutes.”

“Think?” I said, exasperated. “Thinking is what leads to anxiety. To this.”

“I know. But don’t think about your breathing now. I can hear that it’s calmed a little bit, the body will regulate it back to a normal rate by itself. Trust me on this. Now, all I need you to think about is your car engine. Do you hear it?”

“I do,” I answered back, trying not to focus on my breathing, but more on my engine, despite how difficult that challenge was

“And why is it on?”

“Because,”

“Because why?” Gabbie chuckled.

“Because I’m driving to LA.”

“And why are you driving to LA?”

“To see you and Shane,”

“And what happens after you see us?”

“I fly to London.” I let out a breath. A deep, stressed breath, and I finally felt my eyes flutter open. My heart still pounded, and my palms were still twitching and clammy, but most of the claws that had shrouded my chest receded back into the dark part of my mind. My mother was standing at the front door, grinning at my clearly anxious face. She mouthed words that I didn’t even want to make out, knowing that it would send me into panic. I put my car into reverse. As predicted, my brothers were watching from the front window, their eyes coated in worry. To calm them down, I mustered a smile and a small wave. They waved back.

I began to start driving down the cul de sac and to the freeway.

“Feel better?” Gabbie questioned.

“Yeah,” I let out a deep breath, unclenching my fists. “Thanks, Gab.”

“Of course. I’ll see you and Shane in a few hours, alright?”

“Yeah,” I replied. And I hung up the phone, pulling onto the freeway, only hearing the lyrics of Oh Wonder echoing in my mind as I wiped my tearing eyes with my sleeve.


	2. Old and New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was nice to finally meet someone who's own complexity could be equal with hers.

My flight left at 9PM. By the time I managed to even find a parking space, it was already 6:30, not giving Gabbie and I nearly enough time to talk before I had to be on my way to the airport. It took me another 15 minutes to walk to the restaurant we were meeting up at and find the booth she was sitting at by pushing myself through the tightly-spaced tables. But as soon as I saw her, the widest grin spread across my face, and I felt my my muscles relax as she embraced me in a tight hug, laughing happily.

"I already ordered for the both of us," Gabbie said a few seconds later as we both sat down. There was a shirley temple on my side of the booth and I smiled, glancing back up at her. She just smiled, somewhat looking back at me in the same appreciative way. What would I do without you? I thought.

"Shouldn't have bothered. I'm not hungry." I mumbled, but mustered a smile. I took a sip of my shirley and casually scanned the place, never seeing it prior to today.

"Are you sure you aren't? I mean, the mozzarella sticks sound really nice."

"Pretty sure, Gab." I chuckled. As soon as the words left my mouth, the waiter came out of nowhere, balancing a platter of food on his hands. He set the appetizer of mozzarella sticks down in the center of the table. He left briefly after and my mouth began to water.

"Are you still 'pretty sure'?"

"Oh, shut up!" I laughed, shaking my head as I took another sip of my drink, my other hand reaching for the plate of food in front of us.

[45 minutes later]

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot- fuck!" Gabbie practically screamed, drawing the attention from literally everyone around us. She rummaged through her wallet and found three $10 bills, throwing them onto the table and rolling her eyes furiously as I laughed uncontrollably. "We are never playing that again."

"Whatever. I win at everything anyways." I retorted, shrugging sarcastically. Gabbie grinned, looking down at the floor for a few seconds with a giddy smile on her face. Before I knew it, Gabbie's arms had wrapped around me and she had pulled me into a hug as soon as soon as the remark left my mouth. She sighed softly, and I had no other choice but to hug her back, my smile slowly fading from my face. The silence spoke loudly for the both of us. Sighing heavily as I let go of her, I looked down at the ground, shaking my head.

"What's going on?" she asked softly, her eyebrows knitted together with the slightest hint of worry.

"I'm just so fucking stressed," I replied without hesitating, allowing my eyes to flutter shut. She wrapped her arms around me again as tears filled my eyes to the brink. She began to rub comforting circles in my back as we continued to stand in the corner of the restaurant. I felt like breaking down into tears. "About everything."

"It's okay," she replied, her voice near a whisper. She waited patiently for me to completely spill my mind, so she could do something, if anything, to help.

"I've always been there for my family. Aiden is turning 18 in two years, and he'll be the next one to move out, but Matt and Kade still have so much longer to go through with her. I don't want that for them. I don't want that for anyone. You remember what I told you, don't you?"

I felt my pulse slow as she nodded. And I continued to talk.

"I have to leave to walk back to my parking spot, return my rental car, check into baggage claim, go through customs, go on a 10 hour flight to London, out of all places, and then I have to worry about meeting my roommate for the first time and buying furniture and college classes and fuck I just-" My nails began to dig into her shoulders, and if she noticed, she didn't mention it. "I just don't want to deal with all of that. It's overwhelming,"

"McKayla, I have known you for, what? 8 years? And you have gotten through some tough shit. I have no doubt in my mind that you can get through this too. Don't worry about your family, I'm sure you can call them once you land, but focus on your career and your new life. I know you want to be there for everyone and help them, and it's hard to believe that you're able to take any time whatsoever to yourself."

"I don't take time for myself."

"Exactly!" Gabbie exclaimed, laughing. She pulled away, her eyes fixed directly onto me, her hands still gripping my shoulders. "This is the first time I've seen you upset in years. Want to know why? Because you're one of the most badass people I know. Take care of yourself. Considering what you've been through, it's not selfish to want to start a new life so far away. Keep in touch." I nodded and hugged her one last time before I tore away from her, pushing through the crowds of table again to reach the fresh air outside.

Bursting out the front door, relief immediately washed over me, and I took a deep breath. The crisp air filled my lungs, and once I opened my eyes, all the sounds of the real world came rushing at me. The honking of drivers, the sky that was turning a deep blue as the sun set, the bright red flashing from tail lights. Looking down at my phone, I turned it on, my eyes quickly scanning the time. 

I began a dead sprint down the sidewalk, my heart pounding, my hair flying behind me as I raced towards my car, knowing I'd have barely enough time to get through customs and board the flight.

Fuck, I thought. Not a good start. Not a good fucking start at all.

\--

"Are you fucking kidding me? This isn't even necessary! I'm going to be late for my flight, lady!" I said, crossing my arms and tapping my foot on the tile impatiently.

"Not my problem, honey." she replied, thoroughly searching my carry-on for a liquid that was detected by the machine. It would be fine if she dumped every single thing in that backpack out, then put it back in, but taking five minutes to look through it, examining every item? Come on! That's so fucking petty and annoying! I checked my phone again, my heart racing nervously. What if I miss my flight? Oh god, I'm going to miss my flight. 

My phone lit up from text messages from Gabbie and Aiden, but the only thing that I was focusing on was the three numbers that read 9:07. A split second later, the lady nodded and handed my bag to me, and I threw all of my things that had gone through customs in the bag, throwing it over my shoulder and glaring at the woman.

"Do you at least care to tell me where flight 9A is?" I spat out, my foot still nervously tapping, my stomach churning. My fist clenched the ticket in my palm, and I could feel a light coat of sweat on my face.

"Turn left, at the end of the terminal."

"At the end?" 

"Better run, sweetie." she teased. I nearly screamed at her but let out a groan instead, sending her a deathly scowl before my legs were pounding against the ground, my heart beat sharp in my ears, mind racing. I bit my lip, each step bringing me just a little bit closer. I stared directly at the hall in front of me that I was racing down, dodging others and trying not to knock anything over. Then, I saw it. The red, blinking letters on the sign that read Terminal 9A. Departure: 9:00 Arrival: 7:00 London, UK

As I rounded the corner, heavy backpack slamming into my back each time and causing me immense pain, I saw them closing the gates.

"Wait!" I screamed. I handed them my crumpled ticket and they quickly let my through, and I sprinted down the hallway and into the main section of the plane. I probably looked horrendous. My hair must've been frizzy, my clothes messy and unkempt, and my whole entire body glistening. As soon as I saw the stares they were giving me, I began to smooth down my clothes and fix my hair, my face flushing as I kept my eyes trained on the ground. 

A flight attendant hurriedly introduced herself and started guiding me to my seat. She was just as panicked as I was, and I could tell that I had made it in at the last minute and the plane was about to take off.

A lady guided me through a few curtains to first class, and each and every time, I swore I could feel a stare on the back of my neck. I shifted uncomfortably as we arrived at my seat. I didn't look like I belonged in first class, but when the company offered to upgrade me from economy to first class for no charge, I obviously took the opportunity. I mean, I hadn't even sat down yet but I could already tell that the seats were bigger, comfier, and you had more room to move around. The woman who had escorted me walked briskly back down the plane to the front.

I put my carry on in the compartment above me and sat down just as the pilot spoke over the intercom. I didn't pay attention. Instead, I put on my seatbelt and tried not to focus on the things I'd have to deal with in the next 24 hours. Letting my eyes flutter shut, I leaned back in my seat and took a deep breath, feeling the chatter around me slowly come to a halt. The silence was blissful. My mind calmed. I felt my muscles relax and I subconsciously let go of the armrests I had been gripping. I made it. I'm here. 

Someone quickly abrupted my quiet thoughts, although I didn't mind. At least the voice was smooth and friendly - unlike the snobby voices of everyone else I had spoken to in the airport that day.

"Excuse me?" 

I slowly opened my eyes and turned to stare at a man who was offering a plastic-wrapped package. Although I knew it was a package, I had no fucking clue what was inside because the first thing my body was capable of was gazing at his eyes. Eyes always seemed to catch my attention, but man were his so unique and alluring. Flicks of hazelnut and black within these round, brown irises caught my attention. I couldn't pull myself away.

"I promise I haven't done anything to it," he chuckled, gesturing to the parcel in his hand. But now it wasn't his eyes, it was his smile. It was contagious and I could feel myself smile shyly at the happiness that was radiating off of him. He had these dimples that accented his cheeks and the corners of his eyes creased as his smile grew wider at my reaction to him. "I'm not that scary," he reassured. 

I took it and opened it, and inside was a blanket that the airline had provided us with.   
"Oh, thank the lord," I said, quickly wrapping it around my already shivering body. Planes always seemed to get so much colder than outside, and it helping that we would soon be thousands of feet in the air flying to London. "I have no clue what I'm going to do when I get there," I mumbled quietly.

"Get where?" the man asked. I opened my eyes again, and he now had the blanket over him, despite the fact that he was clearly over 6' and it barely even covered his torso. 

"London," I replied. He quirked an eyebrow.

"Are you staying or just passing through?" he questioned. And that's when I noticed his heavy posh accent - the accent you heard in television or even on YouTube. I sighed in my mind. I had always wanted to be a YouTuber but never got the courage, and on top of that, I didn't even have the time or the motivation. Everyone said I was boring anyway.

"I'm staying,"

"Really?" he sounded surprised. "May I ask why?"

"I have to do a few semesters at Uni, although I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life,"   
"I was the same way," he chuckled again, and I couldn't help but laugh too. "I flopped my law degree,"

"No way," my smile widened. He just nodded and we both laughed.

"By the way, I'm McKayla,"

"Dan," he replied. This time, I quirked and eyebrow and did a side smile.

"Well, Dan, nice to meet you,"

I should've treated him like a stranger, because he was. I was just another passerby. I shouldn't have minded him. I could've cared less, I should've cared less, because I knew it would hurt when we got off the plane and never saw each other again. It was funny how a stranger made me this content with life. Instead of everything overwhelming me at once and flashing by in a snap of a finger, he slowed everything down. I could enjoy his jokes, his voice, his personality, all in slow motion. It was blissful.

The more we talked, the more I got to know, and the more cheerful I felt each time he opened his mouth to speak to me. It was unrealistic to think that in such a short period of time I felt such a connection with this one human being that I had a one in a million chance of meeting, but yet, here I was, on a flight with a man I just met, learning about his life that was just as complex as my own.


	3. Pressure

“The feeling that was stirring in the pit of my stomach was unusual; I had never felt it before, I couldn’t recognize it. But all I knew was that feeling was making me giddy, and I can’t remember the last time that I genuinely smiled with happiness bubbling in my throat.”

\--

I knew it was going to be a struggle once I got off the plane. Jet lag, new furniture, new roommate, having to deal with university classes, all of it. My mind was not prepared for all the stress that was going to hover over my shoulders the next few weeks. Not to mention that there’s always a chance of homesickness. It’s not like I’m 13 again and can walk home, I’m across seas. It’s not that easy, nor inexpensive, to fly to America from the U.K. It was going to be a struggle, to say the very least.

Dan handed me my carry-on from the overhead compartment, knowing that I was too tired to even hoist myself out of my seat. This was my first long-haul flight, and fuck, was I drowned in thoughts, worry, anxiety, and this existential fear that maybe moving to London wasn’t the right choice. The thought that moving to London was an impulsive decision had been making me cling to my skin. It made my chest tighten that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the right choice for me.

“McKayla?” 

I inhaled sharply at the sudden voice and glanced up, feeling my eyes droop immediately. The lights that had been turned on in the plane were making my eyes strain. It was hard enough that I could barely keep them open.

“I’ll buy you a coffee, my treat. But you need to get up.” Dan insisted. People began to move towards the front of the plane, and I realized how slowly I was moving. I sighed deeply and forced myself up, even though my muscles were pleading for me to stay still. Throwing my backpack over my shoulders, I wrapped the blanket back around me. With Dan behind me, I began to follow the trail of people towards the exit.

London, I thought. Wow.

Once we had left the plane, I couldn’t help but look at my environment and feel how already it was so different from what I was used to. Even though it was in the slightest way, a branch curled around my lungs. I had a sudden intake of breath and I stopped dead in my tracks.

You’re okay. Deep breaths.

My grip on the blanket tightened and I watched as the swarm of people behind us from the plane slowly disappeared into the bustling crowd. Every time I would look somewhere, it was a reminder. A reminder that I had no idea what I was doing and that I was only here for one reason and one reason only: to get away from my life in the states.

I felt the branch stab my lungs ever so slightly. My heart began to race. I felt my fingers curl around the blanket even tighter than before. Before I knew it, my body was trembling in the most unnoticeable way, but I felt it. I could feel it. Every muscle quivering with the worry of what was happening.

“Are you alright? You look quite pale.” a man approached me from the edge of the crowd. His voice was condensed in concern, his eyes soaked in worry. He seemed to have been looking for someone. He had bright, blue eyes and a black fringe that swept across his forehead. He had a bag slung across his shoulder, as well as a suitcase rolling behind him as he continued to move towards me.

Handing me an unopened water bottle, he offered it to me. Looking up at him, I mustered a small smile before twisting the cap off and taking a sip. 

“God, you’re shaking as well. I think you should sit down,” he suggested, gesturing to the bench behind me. 

“It’s not that bad,” I said hoarsely, barely capable of squeezing out the words because of the ball that was swelling in my throat. He gave me a look that clearly said he didn’t believe a word I was saying.

“Phil!” Dan seemed to come out of nowhere, clad in black with a similar suitcase with him. “I was looking for you. This is Mc-” his voice was filled with pure excitement - that was, up until the point where he glanced down at me and realized that I wasn’t okay in the slightest bit. I was shaking, pale, short of breath, coated with a light layer of sweat, with panic slowly heating in my veins. Before I knew it, he had sat me down on the bench and had his hand rubbing slow circles in my back. He made me take sips of water periodically and Phil had gone off to grab coffees after Dan had asked him to.

I shook my head. I wasn’t expecting to be on the verge of a panic attack within the first fifteen minutes of landing in England, least of all in front of Dan, and his best friend Phil, who he had mentioned on the flight. I knew I would’ve been sent into a full blown panic if I didn’t have Dan talking me through it, but I’d rather not waste his time over something that happens to me so often to the point where it gets embarrassing. 

“I’m sorry. This came out of nowhere,” I managed to get out, inhaling shortly after, out of breath. I could feel my pulse in my fingertips, but I was trying to focus on his reassuring voice.

“Don’t apologize. I know how it is,”

It was like somebody clenched my heart and dug their fingernails deep. Too sudden to stop it from happening. I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip, feeling my heart pounding against my ribcage, like a bird wanting to be set free. 

My mind went numb. I could feel my entire face tingling with a paralyzing sensation. My knuckles went white and I could feel my entire being trembling. It was wave after wave of this overwhelming feeling and fuck just go away. Go away. Go away. Go away.

“I can’t breathe,” I gasped, pressing my palm to my chest and feeling myself slowly losing control of my surroundings. I could still hear Dan’s voice and the comforting circles on my back but the beating of my heart was getting too loud and each time I tried to take a breath I couldn’t and I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die.

A warm hand grabbed my palm and pressed gently into it. The pressure was enough to stop the next wave from crashing so forcefully into my body. I opened my eyes, and through blurry, tear-filled vision I could see Dan holding my palm. He added more pressure as soon as he saw me reacting to the sudden touch.

“Can you feel that?” he asked calmly. I nodded, inhaling sharply again, but this time it burned my chest and the desire to breathe got stronger. “You’re still here. You can breathe.”

“No, I can’t,” I cried, but even though every fiber in my body was begging me to breathe, I knew that once I gave in, I would lose control, and hyperventilation would kick in. So, I forced myself to look at him. He smiled again. The same grin with dimple-accented cheeks, the same smile that crinkled the corners of his dark eyes. I could still feel the same beating in my fingertips, but I began to notice the way he was still caring for me. 

He never stopped the repeated circles, he still had my palm in his, and his stare never tore away from mine. I had never been treated with so much genuine kindness and respect, and out of all people, it was from a guy who I had known for barely 10 hours?

“Thank you,“ I mumbled, wiping my eyes with my sleeve just as Phil came back with three cups of coffee balancing in his arms.

“Are you alright?” Dan asked. 

“I think so,” I replied hesitantly. I looked at him again, and he was staring at me with a look that said tell me the truth.

I didn’t even know the truth. I could still hear my pounding heart, but the sound was fading, and I could still feel myself trembling, but my muscles were seemingly beginning to relax. Shooting him a reassuring smile, he nodded once and gently let go of my palm, as if he were scared that if he removed the pressure too fast that I’d jolt into an attack.

“Phil, right?” I questioned, looking up as he handed me the coffee.

He smiled, “That’s me,”

“I’m McKayla, it’s nice to finally put a name to a face,”

“I met her on the plane,” Dan said suddenly, “don’t know what happened, usually I’m anti-social as fuck, but we started to talk and it kind of went from there,” 

I took a sip of my coffee as he began to spill to Phil. It was like he had been wanting to share his excitement about me for days. All of his pent up happiness burst out of him, and I couldn’t help but smile as Phil nodded at his incessant rambling about me. There was something about the way Dan spoke about me that made me grin. He spoke with such enthusiasm, something no one has ever done. 

The feeling that was stirring in the pit of my stomach was unusual; I had never felt it before, I couldn’t recognize it. But all I knew was that feeling was making me giddy, and I can’t remember the last time that I genuinely smiled with happiness bubbling in my throat. So I promised to hold onto the feeling as long as it lasted.

“McKayla?” the voice jutted into my thoughts and I flinched slightly at the sudden voice, a voice I had never heard. Turning my head to look behind my shoulder, I saw someone fishing through the crowd, coming towards me at a brisk pace. Squinting my eyes, I narrowed in on the features of the person. Long, shiny black hair that reached the waist, and big, blue eyes framed with dark lashes. The brows were shaped in an alluring arch, the nose in the center of the face, going along nicely with the pair of naturally pink, plump lips. 

Freckles dotted her nose lightly, and the closer she got to me, the more excited she seemed to get. She was wearing a cropped sweatshirt with high-waisted black jeans, and the second she emerged from the crowd, I felt my entire being writhe in envy. It was as if she had just stepped out of a movie where she was the shy, beautiful girl who went unnoticed in the hallways. Gorgeous. She had that shy vibe coming off of her, but as she came up to me to introduce herself, I could tell she was trying her best to be herself and come off as confident.

“Hey, nice to meet you. I’m your new roommate, you can call me Anna.” her heavy posh accent came through clearly.

“Well, hey, Anna,” I got up from my seat, still a little shaky and lightheaded, but she didn’t notice. Before I knew it, she had pulled me into a hug.

“Welcome to London,” she whispered, only loud enough for me to hear. When she pulled away, she kept a firm grip on my shoulders. “I’m here to show you around and help you if you ever need it.”

I felt my cheeks warm with all the immediate kindness I was receiving. 

“Thanks. It really makes me feel better,” I admitted, awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck. Before I could turn around and say anything else to Dan and Phil, Anna had whisked me away, and I became nothing else but a speck in the crowd.

Anna and I immediately hit it off, which was a huge relief. We had easily found my luggage and I rolled it out to her BMW, which was parked not-so-close to the terminal we were in. As Anna and I laughed and got to know each other, I could feel this nagging in my chest. I kept glancing around me, nervously twisting my ring around my finger, looking for something that I must’ve forgotten because the nagging only came about when I overlooked something. 

Sitting down in the passenger seat, I got a whiff of the new leather seats and could tell that she had just gotten this car recently. When she turned on the radio station, and when I leaned back in the chair to take a deep breath and relax, I jolted upward.

Dan. I forgot about Dan. I didn’t even say goodbye.

She glanced at me warily, pulling out of the parking lot. “Is everything alright?”

 

She drove past the terminal where we had just come from, and I felt guilt rising in my throat. 

“Yeah,” I sighed, feeling it rise even higher, constricting my airway. “Yeah, I’m fine.”


	4. Resonating

“And I was met with the same soothing voice, the same hazelnut-flicked eyes, the same sheepish grin, and everything else that I had wanted to so desperately forget just and hour before.”

\--

[1 week later]

        7 days. 168 hours. Thousands of thoughts racing through my mind every second. Yet out of the tens of thousands of thoughts I had, I couldn’t shake Dan out of my head. The first person to actually be kind to me, to be there for me during a panic attack, to comfort me - and I blew him off like he was nothing but dust in the wind. Not even a goodbye. Come on, how bad of a person was I?

"You’re up early," Anna came out in her pyjamas, her soft hair tangled from her restless sleep. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, squinting as the bright sunshine came through the window, peeking behind a building from across the street. Her brows were furrowed in genuine confusion as to why it was only 9AM and I was already ready for the day.

"I start today," I replied, crossing the room to the kitchen. I pulled on a jacket that I had draped over the bar stool and stuffed my wallet, phone, and keys into my pockets. A fresh cup of coffee whirled it’s aroma around the room, and I grasped the cup, quickly handing it to Anna so she could wake up before crossing the room to the front door.

"At Starbucks?" she questioned, taking a sip of the coffee that I had made just for her. I nodded, looking in a nearby mirror to check my appearance before opening the door. Waving to her, I grinned as she took another sip of her coffee, blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

"Have a good day, Anastasia! At least try to be productive while I’m gone!" I teased, closing the door before I could see her protest in frustration.

As I started down the hallway toward the elevator, I could hear her scream, “It’s Anna, not Anastasia! And I am productive!”

        I chuckled and rolled my eyes, reaching the elevator and racing down to the lobby. Walking at a brisk pace, I pushed the lobby door open before racing out to the Uber who was waiting for me at the curb. My first shift started at 11AM, but my store was 15 minutes away and morning traffic in London wasn’t going to make anything easier. I opened the door and sat in the backseat, pulling out my phone and making polite small talk with my driver as he pulled onto the street.

        Everything I looked at seemed to be a reminder of my burdens. The Ubers I had to take - oh yeah, I don’t have a car or a license! The people roaming the streets at small shops - oh, that’s right, I have barely any money or friends. The children that clung onto their parent’s sides - my brothers, yeah, I left them behind! It was bad. But not as bad as mistaking every person with a fringe for Dan, or turning my head to look behind my shoulder if I hear his familiar laugh, only to be disappointed when I’m faced with someone who isn’t him.

        Trust me, it was bad. Really bad.

        Not only that, but Uni started in five weeks, I barely had any time to FaceTime my brothers, and if I did, the call didn’t last more than a few minutes before something came up and I had to end it. It doesn’t help that Aiden was constantly keeping me up to date about how mom was. She’s started leaving late at night and doesn’t come back home until late afternoon, so Aiden has been waking up early to act as a makeshift caretaker for Matt and Kade by making them breakfast, driving them to the park, and doing all the things to provide them the best childhood possible that neither Aiden or I had.

        My shoulders drooped and I pinched the bridge of my nose, letting out a drawn-out sigh. I might as well make the best out of being a new trainee, it’s my only option.

 

[two weeks later]

        It was similar to having a high school crush, just without the whole ‘I crave your affection and undivided attention’ part. I so desperately wanted to find Dan and spark up a conversation again. He never lost my interest and didn’t seem to mind talking about things that made other normal people uncomfortable. It was the first time I had met someone who felt so genuinely open to any topic and all I wanted was a person I could talk to for hours on end without the conversation getting boring, like we had done on the plane before I passed out watching a movie.

        Anastasia finally caught onto what was bothering me. She kept guessing about what was bringing me down and it took her a few days to finally trace back my odd behavior to leaving the airport, and then she realized that she had pulled me away from my new-found friends without letting me grab their numbers first. Then came the guilt-tripping part. She wouldn’t stop apologizing and kept saying she felt horrible, and our conversations almost always lead to her saying sorry and me having to reassure her that it was okay and me comforting her.

"McKayla, look, I can’t express how horrible I feel and-" before she could finish her sentence, I held my hand up to interrupt her. She kept quiet as I finished typing a sentence up on my computer, casually lounging on the couch.

"Anna, yes, I know you feel bad, and yes, I know you wish that we could magically find Dan and Phil so everything felt normal again, yes, I know." I exaggerated, turning to her and lowering the lid to my laptop. "But I’m really trying to forget about Dan and America and you bringing both of those topics up during every conversation really doesn’t help me,"

"Sorry-"

"Don’t say sorry again. It’s fine," I chuckled, raising myself up off the couch and over to the food she had been cooking on the stove. We had been alternating nights cooking dinner and she was cooking chicken stir fry tonight.

"Do you have a shift this evening?" she asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Not to my knowledge," I replied, poking at the chicken with a fork. She laughed, stepping in front of me and continuing her cooking. I sat at the counter and turned on some music, loud enough that we could hear it, but not loud enough that it drowned out her voice as she began to speak.

"What were you doing on your computer, anyways? You’ve been sat with that thing for hours without saying a word,"

"Nothing special," I shrugged, propping my elbow up as I heard the sizzling of food. An involuntary grin spread across my face at the thought of the tabs that were open on my computer. I could hardly contain my excitement. She quickly glanced at me behind her shoulders, twirling back around.

"Are you sure it’s nothing special? That smile tells me otherwise,"

"Well," I paused, running my hand through my hair. "I’ve kind of always had a thing for creating and since I’ve been so stressed I thought that creating content would be a creative way to release all the negativity."

"And?" she poked at me to go on, the hint of a smile in her calming voice.

"And so I’ll be posting on YouTube as often as I can now, and it makes me really happy,"

"Really? Oh, god I’m so happy for you! Wait - hold on, I’ll be your first subscriber," she rushed into the other room to grab her phone and I watched her go. Feeling my phone vibrate on my thigh, a small smile curled my lips and I turned my phone screen to face me, figuring it was a notification from YouTube.

        Oh, shit.

        I quickly stood up, throwing on a jacket and slipping my shoes on. Just as Anna came out with her phone in her hands, I grabbed my wallet.

"I thought you didn’t have a shift…?"

"I didn’t," I said, exasperated, slamming the door behind me and hoping that I could wave a taxi down as I raced down the stairs to the lobby instead of taking the elevator. There was no time for an Uber. Hopefully there was no traffic. Fuck, why couldn’t my manager be more organized and tell me earlier that I was filling in for someone’s shift?

        I stepped outside and the crisp, cool air of the evening engulfed me. I took a deep breath, and as the cars rushed down the street, I waved my hand at the last minute and hailed a taxi as my phone began to hum in my palm.

"Starbucks on Wardour Street, please," the man looked at me in the rearview mirror and nodded, noting I was in a hurry. It all became a blur at once, I didn’t know how to feel, but anger bubbled in my throat. Why should I be in a hurry for being late to my job because my manager ‘forgot’ to tell me I was filling in for a sick co-worker? That’s not my fault, that’s his. Why the hell should I feel anxious because of someone else’s actions?

        Shaking my head, taking a deep breath and letting it out sharply, I glanced down at my phone to see that it was Aiden calling. I felt it vibrate in my hands for a few more seconds and put my forehead against the seat in front of me, biting my bottom lip. I closed my eyes and took in my surroundings, feeling the cool surface of my phone against my skin, hearing the wind rushing into my ears from the open window, smelling the lemon-scented car freshener. I grounded myself into the world, hearing the pounding of my heart against my ribcage. Taking another deep breath, I steadied myself.

        You’re not getting ahold of me, I said to the mass hovering over me, the one that was making me feel nervous and light-headed. The one that was making my body tremble. Not today.

        And so I looked up and pressed the green button, holding my phone to my ear.

"Hey," I greeted, keeping my eyes shut in order to distract myself.

"Hey," he replied. "How’s London?"

"It’s fantastic," Aiden chuckled at my sarcasm.

"Well, quick update, I guess. On mom. She left about a day ago at like 2AM in the morning and she hasn’t come back yet,"

"She’s been gone over 24 hours?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows in concern. My eyes glanced over at the taxi’s ETA, and saw that I had only about 15 minutes to talk. It should be enough time to get caught up.

"That’s right," Aiden sighed. I could hear Kade and Matt racing around the house, screaming and giggling. The smallest smile curled my lips at the memories of the chaos my brothers would cause in our home. I missed them. I missed all of it.

"You’ve tried her cell, right?"

"Mhm. She sent me to voicemail, which is reassuring, I guess. At least we know that by her denying my call she’s still alive."

"Alive, but alive where?" I said aloud unknowingly, shaking my head. She’s always been like this. Drinking, partying, living it up. I’m not sure what’s happened to her in order for her to behave like she’s 17, but she’s 45 and needs to get off her ass and start taking care of her family. "Alright, I’ll try calling her after my shift. Have you rung dad yet?"

"Yeah. He told me he was on a business trip and would be back in a few days to pick us up and look for mom if she isn’t back by then."

"That’s good news. I’m glad he finally realizes how bad of a person she really is,"

"It still doesn’t make up for the fact that he left us with her, though," Aiden replied.

"Yeah, I agree. But going with him now is the best option you have. You can’t hold a grudge against him, Aiden. He’s apologized so many times and the only reason he didn’t take custody of us is because mom has one of the best attorney’s in the state and she left him broke after the divorce. He can’t even afford one."

"Yeah, I know," he muttered. "I know,"

"Do you guys have food to survive the next few days if she doesn’t come back?" I questioned.

"No. The pantry and fridge are basically empty and we need more shampoo too,"

"Okay. I’ll send some money to your Paypal in an hour or so. Hang in there, Aiden. Tell Matt and Kade I love them."

"I will. Thanks, McKayla."

"Don’t thank me, it’s no problem. You guys are all I have, okay? Love you. Bye,"

"Love you too,"

        I hung up and stuffed my phone back into my pocket as he pulled up in front of the small shop. I handed him my payment and wished him a good evening before I got out of the car and rushed inside. Making my way behind the counter and into the backroom, I checked in just in time as the clock struck 8. I hung my jacket up on a rack and glanced down at my phone as Aimee and Kylie, my co-workers, went out to start the shift and cover my spot for a few minutes.

        I opened my messages and quickly responded to Anna’s text.

 

A: When does your shift end?

M: Midnight. Keep dinner warm for me, please.

A: I will. If your shift isn’t too tiring, we can watch Disney movies when you get back. I found my whole collection of films from when I was younger.

M: Sounds like a plan.

 

        I turned off my phone and set it on the counter, pulling on my green apron before turning the corner and walked behind the counter. Aimee handed me a freshly brewed latte and whirled around just as quickly to make the next drink. Slightly confused at the rush she was in, I glanced up and saw that the line reached back ten to twelve people, all of which looked remotely impatient. Rolling my eyes, I cursed under my breath and slid the latte on the counter for the woman to grab, and began my work.

        Aimee handed me finished drinks and I’d put them on the counter for the people who ordered them, but in the process, I was desperately attempting to complete some of the orders that were being called in from Kylie myself. It actually shocked me how busy we were at nearly 9PM, but nevertheless, I worked quickly enough to the point where everything became a blur and I began to make the drinks systematically. Funny to think that just a few weeks ago I was a trainee. I feel like I’ve been working here for years.

"McKayla, can you take over the register?" Kylie called from behind her shoulder. I nodded and popped a lid onto a cup, using a black sharpie to scribble a name before passing it to Aimee. Kylie switched places with me and as I walked up to the counter, I turned my body to the side slightly to look at the line and get an estimate of how many people were left. Counting three, I made a mental note in my head before setting my hands on the counter, glancing down at the register as if it were a mechanism from outer space. It hit me suddenly that I had barely any clue of how to work it.

        Three more people, right? Surely I could wing it until then and try to figure it out myself?

"Hi, welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you today?" I greeted politely, forcing a smile onto my face as I continued to examine the register and the buttons on the screen. I was met with silence. My smile quickly dropped and I furrowed my brow in concern as to why they weren’t speaking. I looked up.

"McKayla?" the voice echoed. And I was met with the same soothing voice, the same hazelnut-flicked eyes, the same sheepish grin, and everything else that I had wanted to so desperately forget just an hour before.

"Dan?"


End file.
